Insomnia on a Sunday

So I sit here, on my terminal at 11:50 pm, on a Sunday night.

In a little over 6 hours I will be awake. I will be getting ready to take Alex to work, to go the gym, and possibly to hang out with her. And yet I am awake. I cannot sleep, which considering the marathon session of sleep I have recently completed is not all that surprising.

As stated in an earlier post, I have an amalgam of emotions, thoughts and various others stringy bits whirling about my skull at a rather scary pace. (The previous post was written unconsciously) The apparent incident of sleep typing has led me to believe that I need to reach closure on many things. I am not one to be known as content. I like to shake things up a bit every so often (Ok, all the time) and I find myself attempting to defiantly skip the grooves of a record without falling. The problem is, the record is huge. The near indefinite choices and tracks are staggering, and oftentimes I find myself jumping backwards rather than forwards. Jumping blindly is not always my cup of tea, and I feel that a flashlight would be of utmost use. It seemed, in the past, that I could grope about a bit and find a good relative jump to make. As of late my groping has led me nowhere and I cannot shake the feeling of malcontent that every jump brings me.

First but not foremost in my mind is my job. I like the fact of impending job security, but I do not want to be there in a year. I enjoy the physical exercise and the rather chaotic atmosphere the environment sometimes provides. I enjoy some of my workmates and the large random sample of experiences, stories, and anecdotes I hear.

I do not necessarily enjoy the pigeonholing. I do not enjoy the lack of advancement. I do not enjoy the lack of any skill to be learned. I do not enjoy the ever increasing malcontent I experience whenever I think of this as a mid to long term job.

Foremost is her. Such an incredible predicament I leave myself with her. Her situation, her tastes, her views, everything are enigma to me. The legion of information that I attempt to glean from both experience and conversation with her do nothing to assuage the torrid waters that my mental craft must attempt to sail. I see a light in the distance. I know that all my desires and feelings yearn for the light; the security of the spirit is of paramount importance to me. However, contentedness is not something I feel I will have grace my mind anytime soon, and this is no exception.

For a rather ironic metaphor, it is an issue of apparent incompatibility. If I were Windows, she would be Linux. Now I know that there are many easy ways to have the systems work together, and that is why earlier I stated apparent incompatibility. The hardware and basic functions are able to interact, but the language used is different enough that true integration is, at this point, looking grim. I am not proficient in programming by any means and to ask me to find the harmonious integration would cause me to stare blankly at the screen and subsequently hang my head. With online tutorials and the help of others I would be able to learn enough of both systems to properly establish a linkup and flawless integration.

There are no tutorials or system administrators in the complex web of relationships. There are those with more experience in certain fields, but nobody knows what to do in every situation, and in my particular situation, I am flying blind.

At least it is not a conflict of Mac vs Windows. I would be arrested.

Third is my growing distaste for Ohio. It stagnates, and its fetid tendrils are beginning to wrap around my cloistered defenses against it. More and more as the record turns I find myself increasingly wondering if breaking free of the tendrils will be possible. I am attempting to sever many of the bonds that hinder me, but some are of better temperament than others and to break free of their bonds proves difficult, as they conflict with some of my core values (yes, they do exist).

Ahh, but for now I focus on my insomnia. I will absorb some nicotine and perhaps that will lull me away. Writing this has helped soothe my tumultuous mind, and I think I may be able to sleep.