Old feelings die hard

I was looking through some of my old boxes of stuff today after the gym, and I discovered my old notebooks from elementary school. I saw my handwriting figuring out simple problems and the joy of the solutions came back to me.

However, in the back of my notebooks I wrote how I felt and those scribbles brought back feelings as well.

I read how I was depressed because I was being picked on in elementary school. I could see old smudges where my tears fell on the page on top of my pencil and pen marks, I saw the scrunches where I would grip the paper because I was so emotional, with an even mixture of anger and frustration.

I read about the first fight I got in, and all of the fights afterwards. I read about when I would be pushed down a hill repeatedly by the 3rd and 4th graders because I looked like a little girl. I remember them pushing me into a hornets nest and laughing as I flailed trying desperately not to get stung and only threw rocks ands sticks at me when I would start to cry. I read my lines and I remember when I snapped and started beating them with a loose fencepost and screaming at them to stop teasing me. I remember shoving gravel into their mouths so they would know how hard to breath it was for me when they would chase me through the school's nature trails. I remember the teachers pulling me off and giving me punishment by standing under the rain gutter as they poured water down to humiliate me and make me see reason.

I saw no reason, and I still don't.

In my old book Slimy Creepy Crawly Creatures I found more writing about how the same kids would bring up small animals that I loved and show them to me after they mutilated them and made me watch them die. I remember seeing the turtle they repeatedly stomped on and put in front of my face as they held me down, and I remember looking in the turtles eyes as It looked around for any sort of help, but help was futile as part of its shell was broken through and I could see the bubbles forming in the oozing blood as it died.

I remember the only real things that brought me continual happiness was math, my sister, and my evergreen tree.

I remember my first crush, Jennifer Chandler. She was a grade lower than me, but she would save me a seat on the bus, and talk to me as we held hands and lay on each others shoulders. I remember not seeing her over the summer I left Rolla and not being able to say goodbye because my mother disapproved of me showing such feelings until I was at a suitable age for marriage.

I remember one of my few friends Rachel, as she and I would build traps before school in the playground to injure the kids who hurt me.

I remember how magical math and art were to me. Simple multiplication held such beauty that only the sunshines I tried to capture on rocks could come close to match.

I remember my first bike, a red and black huffy. I remember how scared and how thrilled I was when the training wheels came off.

I remember watching ants pick a bird carcass clean, leaving only shiny bones, and how beautiful it seemed to me.

I remember fireflies, and spending hours catching them every evening in the summertime.

I remember my one legged Gym class teacher, as he would chase me with kites in our hands to make exercise more fun for me and to overcome my asthma.

I remember the Eagles nest, and the thrill I would have of climbing it when the teachers were not looking, because I was not old enough yet.

I remember seeing patterns in the way the wind blew, and how everything seemed to tie together. I remember growing potatoes and sunflowers in my garden and how happy it made me to tend to things and watch them grow. I also remember our neighbors randomly cutting down the plants to teach me about the hardships of life.

I remember the feelings of helplessness I had when we left Rolla for Reynoldsburg. I remember thinking my life was going to be over because everything I knew was going away.

Funny how something that happened so long ago can still affect you. These memories are at least 16 years old, and reading my old books, I feel them as if they had just happened.