Propaganda

Study propaganda and how it is applied, can be applied, and how the subliminal messages are embedded.

Religion, Life, and Freedom

Religion is a disease.
Life is an STD.
To be truly free, we must die.

Arch support

Why is arch support so beneficial when we don't have it barefoot?

Natural order of the food chain

As food sources decline, populations declines as well. In nature we accept this as normal. Why then, must it be a travesty when people die in areas unable to support the population? To offer aid to those with no hope in the form of food (other than relocation) only prolongs the suffering.

Cultures may be lost, but humanity survives. Though we may die, our progeny will move on.

The decline

When pictures are worth a thousand words, and diagrams of increasing importance, why is there so much emphasis on writing while art (especially in school) is increasingly shunned?

Torture

What does it feel like to capture and torture someone? Not consensual but truly against their will? How does that power feel?

Denial of instinct

Why do we as human beings fervently deny our instinctual desires daily? What causes us to reject our internal programming?

Composure

What is it about composure that allows one to appear intimidating? What about the way I hold myself makes me seem soft, safe, and unable to do harm? Why is it fun for people to hurt me? Why do my earnest pleas only encourage the continuance of my personal injury? How can I express my hatred of such acts without further encouraging them? How do I emit an aura of intimidation and fear?

Death Deterrent

Animals can sense death. Is there a way to produce that effect chemically to act as a deterrent?

Dependable

Good thing I'm around. I'm dependable to be there. Have an issue? Call me! Sure, I'm not as wild and crazy as the guys you like. Go have fun with them, because you know I'm here to build you back up after everything falls apart. I tell you nice guys are out there. You always seem to "find" one, only to have them break you and where do you turn? Me. Dependable, non-sexual, non-masculine, devoid of personal feeling Jimmy.

So who do I turn to?

Rejected

She said sorry. The "what ifs" are gone. I know my place.

She dipped out on the gym session as well.

Wow my mind is cluttered all of a sudden.

Wait, what the hell am I saying?

Never give up. Never.

That is how you fail.

Resolve will replace my tormenting "what ifs".

Newish car and other things

In one week and a day I will be purchasing a Nissan Sentra. It is a manual, and it gets wonderful gas milage. In other news my supervisors had me apply for another job, and it looks as if it may be possible to transfer to Seattle come August. I certainly hope so. I plan to mention it in the interview.
Although I plan to be gone in 6 months, I will be pursuing a relationship with her. All the cards are on the table so there are no hidden surprises. All that is left to do is to ask her to be mine and await response.
Tonight, I ask her. After we work out and I take her home, I will ask her.

Endurance over mental obstacles

To endure great hardships brings experience.
To triumph over obstacles brings wisdom.
Neither obstacle nor hardship need be physical in nature.

Passion in brief

Perhaps we are passionate about the same things.
Perhaps not.
What matters most is the presence of the passion itself.

Sensory modification

The way which we view people is the not the pure sensory input provided by our senses. Our experiences and feelings towards the subject modify the information so that before we are aware of the modification, impression has been made.

Repression of expression

To repress an expression of desire brings pain, yet it is nothing compared to the potential crushed soul of the other party.

Memories of lost love

To endure the memory of lost love in solitude is worse than the absence thereof.
Ignorance is bliss.

Beauty

It matters not the subtle poetry of life;
the chaotic meter and rhyme lends itself to no prediction,
Promising only that in the end it is beautiful.

A Conclusion

This is not a conclusion insofar as a decision, but a conclusion of a day.

We live many many days. We live each one as we see fit, whether it is good for us or not, we live.

And every day, we conclude our day in anticipation of another beginning.

And so it is, as I conclude this Monday, Another day will soon begin, fresh with new challenges and experiences not yet anticipated.

All I will do is brace myself and face the new day with determination and hope, for who knows what lies in store?

Carpe Diem, Seize the day.

I intend to.

Never grow old

My midterm goal

August 20 I want to be packed and driving to Seattle.

This will help me get along and move on with my life.

Images in the clouds

Look up in the sky. Chances are that you see clouds. Clouds are nothing but suspended water vapor. Cloud shape is defined by the wind. They are nature's brush strokes across the sky. What do you see in the random beauty of nature?

Tonight as I smoked I saw battles fought. I saw dragons. I saw people in love. I saw my cat.

Most of all I saw my imagination at work.

I saw my inner clockwork arrange itself to fit an external stimulus so that the manifestation would be consciously apparent. It is a way for my subconscious to manifest itself to me without words.

Insomnia on a Sunday

So I sit here, on my terminal at 11:50 pm, on a Sunday night.

In a little over 6 hours I will be awake. I will be getting ready to take Alex to work, to go the gym, and possibly to hang out with her. And yet I am awake. I cannot sleep, which considering the marathon session of sleep I have recently completed is not all that surprising.

As stated in an earlier post, I have an amalgam of emotions, thoughts and various others stringy bits whirling about my skull at a rather scary pace. (The previous post was written unconsciously) The apparent incident of sleep typing has led me to believe that I need to reach closure on many things. I am not one to be known as content. I like to shake things up a bit every so often (Ok, all the time) and I find myself attempting to defiantly skip the grooves of a record without falling. The problem is, the record is huge. The near indefinite choices and tracks are staggering, and oftentimes I find myself jumping backwards rather than forwards. Jumping blindly is not always my cup of tea, and I feel that a flashlight would be of utmost use. It seemed, in the past, that I could grope about a bit and find a good relative jump to make. As of late my groping has led me nowhere and I cannot shake the feeling of malcontent that every jump brings me.

First but not foremost in my mind is my job. I like the fact of impending job security, but I do not want to be there in a year. I enjoy the physical exercise and the rather chaotic atmosphere the environment sometimes provides. I enjoy some of my workmates and the large random sample of experiences, stories, and anecdotes I hear.

I do not necessarily enjoy the pigeonholing. I do not enjoy the lack of advancement. I do not enjoy the lack of any skill to be learned. I do not enjoy the ever increasing malcontent I experience whenever I think of this as a mid to long term job.

Foremost is her. Such an incredible predicament I leave myself with her. Her situation, her tastes, her views, everything are enigma to me. The legion of information that I attempt to glean from both experience and conversation with her do nothing to assuage the torrid waters that my mental craft must attempt to sail. I see a light in the distance. I know that all my desires and feelings yearn for the light; the security of the spirit is of paramount importance to me. However, contentedness is not something I feel I will have grace my mind anytime soon, and this is no exception.

For a rather ironic metaphor, it is an issue of apparent incompatibility. If I were Windows, she would be Linux. Now I know that there are many easy ways to have the systems work together, and that is why earlier I stated apparent incompatibility. The hardware and basic functions are able to interact, but the language used is different enough that true integration is, at this point, looking grim. I am not proficient in programming by any means and to ask me to find the harmonious integration would cause me to stare blankly at the screen and subsequently hang my head. With online tutorials and the help of others I would be able to learn enough of both systems to properly establish a linkup and flawless integration.

There are no tutorials or system administrators in the complex web of relationships. There are those with more experience in certain fields, but nobody knows what to do in every situation, and in my particular situation, I am flying blind.

At least it is not a conflict of Mac vs Windows. I would be arrested.

Third is my growing distaste for Ohio. It stagnates, and its fetid tendrils are beginning to wrap around my cloistered defenses against it. More and more as the record turns I find myself increasingly wondering if breaking free of the tendrils will be possible. I am attempting to sever many of the bonds that hinder me, but some are of better temperament than others and to break free of their bonds proves difficult, as they conflict with some of my core values (yes, they do exist).

Ahh, but for now I focus on my insomnia. I will absorb some nicotine and perhaps that will lull me away. Writing this has helped soothe my tumultuous mind, and I think I may be able to sleep.

Musings of a lazy Saturday

So today as my body relaxes, my mind does not follow suit. Within is a plethora of feelings and emotions that point toward the same general conclusion that I have a rather large attraction to her. How I am going to handle the situation I am not yet sure, but I must make my decision soon.

"Good things come to those who wait but not to those who wait too late."~Bill Withers

That quote is very true. The game of life rewards timely folding and playing of the hands we are dealt. My time to play is nigh, but can I nail the time to claim the pot?

Bam!

So, I think it would be cool ( watch the credits of Boondock Saints and watch the last guy who talks about going to town) to have a silencer with speakers attached that goes "Bam!" in whatever dialect you choose

Valentine's Day Poem

My attempt to explain myself
With poetry as my tool
Leave me always doubting myself
and feeling like a fool

So please bear with me as I try
To offer myself upon the page
To keep quiet and not to tell
would slowly eat me away

Nothing is dull or boring
whenever you're in reach
The conversations we have
are always really neat

I've recently lost some security
and felt I've lost the road
You've stayed close by me
And ensured I didn't fold

You've got a quirky sense
Weirdness is your art
But that's what is endearing
about you in my heart

And of course when in bed
You're a comfy place for me to lay
That innuendo was pretty bad
I could not resist the word play

The little things you do and say
that others may dismiss
Are the things that define you
and truly describe you best

Things may end up greater
Equal or perhaps less than
That is why I ask of you
The one simple question

You've made quite an impact
on my life and on my mind
Today will you do me the honor
of being my Valentine?

Poems of Valentines Day inspired by opening verse of "Moment of tranquility" by Apoptygma Bezerk

The first verse is the refrain from the song. the rest is my writing.

Your eyes are staring at me
Empty as the sky
In this moment of tranquility
I realize this is goodbye

The feelings that dwell within me
I cannot put into prose
Of everything in the world
I cannot express my love

What goes around comes around
And I know I am a guy
I've come to terms with my delusion
Let me live my lie.

The chains of a broken heart
Cling to the flesh of recovery
The links mar the potential part
that would let you love me

Why must I wallow in a lie
Why do I doom my heart to die?
This sadistic narcissistic self destruction?

Why must I only think of myself
when others need the help?
I cannot win the battle
Someone help me

The love I had once is now gone
I roam the Earth truly alone
The burden I chose to carry breaks me

Your face is in my mind
Your eyes penetrating me
Your whispers linger in my dreams to haunt me

Leave me now please go
I cannot bear your gazes so
they prove my fantasy will die

I want you can't you see
You've stolen a part of me
But the wishes you desire do not include it.

Tell me I am wrong
Tell my why I don't belong
Let me clarify my demons
And I will hang them

Why must I feel this pain?
Never to be loved again
This curse is mine
My personal cross to bear

Long I've yearned to fly free
Long I've wanted you beside me
But dreams are the stuff of fools
A truth but still quite cruel

A chance is all I ask
Ability for the task
I want to tell you that I care.