Deja Vu

I seem to be very hard on cars recently. It seems like just yesterday that my Neon exploded in hellish fury. Before the Neon, I had my Bonneville with a severe masochistic boner for getting face fisted with fresh venison. Now, my Growling Green Chariot has busted a brake line. The left door is rather finicky on whether it wants to actually latch and keep me safe. My original instinct was to buy a new car asap. now that I have had time to think about things, it would be cheaper for me to fix the truck. The brake line should be fixed by the end of the weekend. Sonny and I are going to look for seats to replace my sheared ones, and an adjustment to the door will have it working like new again. the engine is still in good shape. A bit of TLC should have her running sweet again. My girlfriend has been more than amazing these past couple weeks, and without her support and the support of my family, I might have had a stress out moment. I am very grateful for my loved ones. We are nothing without our family. Taxes are just done. It appears that with my tapestry of W2s, i am only to be getting about half a grand back. It is much better than many of my friends, who seem for the first time to actually owe taxes. I am glad to be with T-Mobile. Even working in a slow store, I am making more than I was working two jobs. I would love to be a bit busier, but time will provide clients, and it is up to me to keep them coming back. Next on the agenda is to eliminate my debt and concurrently get my ass back into college. College brings more money, and more money means I can finally support the family I am building with Pam, as well as the family I already have.

Out of Hibernation, Into Overdrive

Wow. Last year seemed to be a horrible year overall. Fortunately, since October, life has turned around dramatically. I am now working for T-Mobile up at Polaris Parkway, driving a Dodge Dakota, and have an absolutely amazing girlfriend.

I have known of Pam for years, and have a large mutual friend base, yet we never really talked. Apparently when we worked at COSI, she felt I wouldn't want to talk with her, and our paths never really crossed for me to prove her wrong. From that point we didn't see each other until my good friend/sister Tonee's wedding. I still didn't really interact with her, but there are pictures proving I did notice her and her watching me.
Skip ahead some more, and we find ourselves on the Monday before Christmas. Our friends are having a small gathering so we can chase away the storm clouds circling our brows. I almost do not go. As I drive down the road, I see a Meijer and a compulsion pulls me inside. I purchase 2 bottles of eggnog, and head to Tonee's. Fuck it, I need my clouds blown away as well.
I open the door to the Keating's (Tonee was married, remember) and give everyone inside my usual boistrous self followed up with alcohol laden bear hugs. Hugging her triggers something in my mind, because I hold her a bit longer than the others.
Eggnog is pouring. Everyone is enjoying themselves. In my tipsy reverie I happen to hear Pam say she is single. My mind sharpens, and I interject with great fervor for her to confirm her statement. It seems my mind is setting a stage for me, and I am but an unwitting player. She does indeed confirm her statement. She inguires as to the reason for my outburst. I have no answer, and mumble something to soothe the inquiries, yet inside y head a whirling dirvish of cogs, gears, and the like grind at a fever pitch to answer the inquiry to myself.
I am standing outside. Others are with me. We are all smoking from my pack, talking and laughing. Tim makes it know that he would like to persue Pam, and asks my help in the matter. I agree. Things slowly die down and I give Pam one last, long hug, again not truly understanding why.
It is the next day. I get a text message asking to guess who it is. I am eating a Hunters' Club from Jimmy Johns. After some deliberation, I guess correctly that it is Pam. She asked Tim for my number. We text each other quite a bit. She is on her way to New York with her family. I am beginning to feel a bond forming, but decide that to follow them would not be prudent due to my good friend Tim has already asked my help in wooing her. A tinge of regret creeps into my mind.
Christmas night. Tim comes by and we vid skype Pam until the very wee hours of morning. I coach him as to what to say and do, wishing all the while that it was my voice saying those things.

Pam texts me the next day, and soon we talk on the phone. She tells me how Tim has no chance and asks my help in staving him off. This phrase uplifts me. I begin to think of how to express myself to her, while still making Tim feel I am helping him, and all the while dealing with a heroine and pill addicted soon-to-be ex.
I am talking with Pam much more now. We are communicating via text during the Vid Skype sessions with Tim. Tim comes up with an amazing idea for him, Pam, myself and my girlfriend to all go shooting. I relay the information, all the while wracking my brain as how to express that the girlfriend is not going to be in the picture much longer. She seems taken aback by the information, and I try every subtlety I have to infer future circumstances while not deliberately denouncing my girlfriend. I will never trash the name of someone I am with, even if I plan to break things off. Until I do, they are my girlfriend and get all the amenities thereof.
Pam comes home tomorrow morning. I talk and text her as she is on her way home. She calls me when she makes it home safe. We make plans to see each other that evening, Monday evening. We publically want to have a snowball fight. We privately want each other.
I am on my way to her house. The snow is thick, and I miss her house. Upon my turnaround I realize the snowman I passed was in truth a very warmly clad Pamela bouncing in the moonlight. I park, and head inside. I meet her mother, father and sister. We head out into the moonlight to play in the snow. Both of us are acting nervous and giddy. We carve a giant heart and a sperm in the snow with our feet before the first snowballs are thrown. Our fun time is cut short by my falling into an unidentified toxic substance. Her mother loans me pants. We spend the remainder of the day talking, laughing, cuddling, and playing video games. We stay up all night. 8 am rolls around, and I convince her to tell me what is on her mind. She likes me. I tell her I feel the same.
That was everything up to the 27th. Things move faster from there.

New interest and other things

It has been a while. Since my last post, I've been kicked out of the house, and have moved in with Alex. I've also recently met Amanda Jean Kline. She matches my preferred physical attributes. She has green eyes, freckles, and red hair. She is a self professed hippie. She enjoys rock music, specifically Tool. I feel like she and I clicked almost immediately. It exactly a week on tuesday since her and mine's first meeting.
I am now in 36 inch pants. It makes feel happy to have a smaller waist than my chest.
Watched WallE and Wanted over the weekend. Absolutely amazing.

-EDIT-

No longer entertaining feelings of romantic intent towards her

Aunt Patty and Buck Phillips

My Aunt Patty (well, great Aunt, but she's insecure about her age) was admitted into the hospital. She went in for a heart attack, but then they found lung cancer. Now the tally is Lupus, Rheumatoid arthritis, Congenital heart failure, Complete renal failure, emphysema, and lung cancer. At least she confronted her alcoholism at an early age so she still has a healthy liver.

Buck, my eventual step-brother, went to a concert Saturday, and was jumped. Witnesses say he pulled up a hell of a fight, but he took a beating as well. His nose is split straight up the middle, one of his eyelids is torn, and he has a broken leg.

Farewell

Farewell, good friend. Goodbye and Godspeed. I shall miss you.

Succumbing

I have succumbed to the dark side. For 10 days. Forgive me, god of the MMORPG. I have strayed from the path of the righteous and true, and am delving into the mainstream.

Reflections during the closing of March.

Ahh, March is drawing to a close. My violin and I are becoming fast friends once again, and soon I should be back to my old tricks. I do enjoy the rich tones, and I feel I will be picking up a few more instruments, including the guitar and perhaps the cello.

In regards to Mouse, I feel I am slowly proving myself and am breaking down the barriers of low self confidence that prohibit her from releasing herself from the shackled of the image she has tried to cultivate.

Now, I am tired and I shall sleep.

The title is linked to an audio file of last night's recap.

Voice blog test

This post is a test of both an attempt into podcasting and the recording qualities of my mp3 player. The recording is done late night and I am speaking very quietly. I will attempt louder recordings and perhaps continue this podcasting endeavor.

Multi-day recap

Ho hum, My Nissan's clutch is toast, but my van is out of the shop and is sporting a brand new driveshaft. In other news, I finally enrolled in the company's benefits program for full-time employees. All I have left to do is decide who my beneficiary will be for my life insurance. Other than that, I will be going to Gameworks tonight, and quite possibly BD's Mongolian barbeque with Dani. Tomorrow will be an interesting day as Dani20, Dani22, and I pull an all-nighter and watch some movies. Still no news on the D&D group for the weekend, but oh well.

Currently I am working on Shawn's laptop and am trying to see if I cannot get the bugger to work. Whoever did the maintenence on it did a shoddy job; the heatsink was not properly affixed and the fan was not plugged in.

Weekend in Brief with Snow in another city

I just got back from a couple days in Lancaster. I got snowed in with a level 3 snow emergency, but with the company I had, I surely did not mind. I met her kid, and Xzavior is a wonderful little 2 year old. Now to shower.

I got my Nissan Sentra Friday night, right when the snow was getting really thick, and it handles like a dream.

Old feelings die hard

I was looking through some of my old boxes of stuff today after the gym, and I discovered my old notebooks from elementary school. I saw my handwriting figuring out simple problems and the joy of the solutions came back to me.

However, in the back of my notebooks I wrote how I felt and those scribbles brought back feelings as well.

I read how I was depressed because I was being picked on in elementary school. I could see old smudges where my tears fell on the page on top of my pencil and pen marks, I saw the scrunches where I would grip the paper because I was so emotional, with an even mixture of anger and frustration.

I read about the first fight I got in, and all of the fights afterwards. I read about when I would be pushed down a hill repeatedly by the 3rd and 4th graders because I looked like a little girl. I remember them pushing me into a hornets nest and laughing as I flailed trying desperately not to get stung and only threw rocks ands sticks at me when I would start to cry. I read my lines and I remember when I snapped and started beating them with a loose fencepost and screaming at them to stop teasing me. I remember shoving gravel into their mouths so they would know how hard to breath it was for me when they would chase me through the school's nature trails. I remember the teachers pulling me off and giving me punishment by standing under the rain gutter as they poured water down to humiliate me and make me see reason.

I saw no reason, and I still don't.

In my old book Slimy Creepy Crawly Creatures I found more writing about how the same kids would bring up small animals that I loved and show them to me after they mutilated them and made me watch them die. I remember seeing the turtle they repeatedly stomped on and put in front of my face as they held me down, and I remember looking in the turtles eyes as It looked around for any sort of help, but help was futile as part of its shell was broken through and I could see the bubbles forming in the oozing blood as it died.

I remember the only real things that brought me continual happiness was math, my sister, and my evergreen tree.

I remember my first crush, Jennifer Chandler. She was a grade lower than me, but she would save me a seat on the bus, and talk to me as we held hands and lay on each others shoulders. I remember not seeing her over the summer I left Rolla and not being able to say goodbye because my mother disapproved of me showing such feelings until I was at a suitable age for marriage.

I remember one of my few friends Rachel, as she and I would build traps before school in the playground to injure the kids who hurt me.

I remember how magical math and art were to me. Simple multiplication held such beauty that only the sunshines I tried to capture on rocks could come close to match.

I remember my first bike, a red and black huffy. I remember how scared and how thrilled I was when the training wheels came off.

I remember watching ants pick a bird carcass clean, leaving only shiny bones, and how beautiful it seemed to me.

I remember fireflies, and spending hours catching them every evening in the summertime.

I remember my one legged Gym class teacher, as he would chase me with kites in our hands to make exercise more fun for me and to overcome my asthma.

I remember the Eagles nest, and the thrill I would have of climbing it when the teachers were not looking, because I was not old enough yet.

I remember seeing patterns in the way the wind blew, and how everything seemed to tie together. I remember growing potatoes and sunflowers in my garden and how happy it made me to tend to things and watch them grow. I also remember our neighbors randomly cutting down the plants to teach me about the hardships of life.

I remember the feelings of helplessness I had when we left Rolla for Reynoldsburg. I remember thinking my life was going to be over because everything I knew was going away.

Funny how something that happened so long ago can still affect you. These memories are at least 16 years old, and reading my old books, I feel them as if they had just happened.

Isolated nonrelational auditory fuck buddy

Hm. I think the title says it all. Tried it for the first time.

No feelings of guilt yet.

Resolve

Why give up at the first obstacle? Or the third? Or the thousandth? If you want something bad enough, go for it. Never give up.

If I never achieve a desire, so long as I gave everything I could, then I will have no regrets.

Never give up.

I will never give up.

Religion, Life, and Freedom

Religion is a disease.
Life is an STD.
To be truly free, we must die.

Arch support

Why is arch support so beneficial when we don't have it barefoot?

Natural order of the food chain

As food sources decline, populations declines as well. In nature we accept this as normal. Why then, must it be a travesty when people die in areas unable to support the population? To offer aid to those with no hope in the form of food (other than relocation) only prolongs the suffering.

Cultures may be lost, but humanity survives. Though we may die, our progeny will move on.

The decline

When pictures are worth a thousand words, and diagrams of increasing importance, why is there so much emphasis on writing while art (especially in school) is increasingly shunned?

Torture

What does it feel like to capture and torture someone? Not consensual but truly against their will? How does that power feel?

Denial of instinct

Why do we as human beings fervently deny our instinctual desires daily? What causes us to reject our internal programming?

Composure

What is it about composure that allows one to appear intimidating? What about the way I hold myself makes me seem soft, safe, and unable to do harm? Why is it fun for people to hurt me? Why do my earnest pleas only encourage the continuance of my personal injury? How can I express my hatred of such acts without further encouraging them? How do I emit an aura of intimidation and fear?