Insomnia on a Sunday

So I sit here, on my terminal at 11:50 pm, on a Sunday night.

In a little over 6 hours I will be awake. I will be getting ready to take Alex to work, to go the gym, and possibly to hang out with her. And yet I am awake. I cannot sleep, which considering the marathon session of sleep I have recently completed is not all that surprising.

As stated in an earlier post, I have an amalgam of emotions, thoughts and various others stringy bits whirling about my skull at a rather scary pace. (The previous post was written unconsciously) The apparent incident of sleep typing has led me to believe that I need to reach closure on many things. I am not one to be known as content. I like to shake things up a bit every so often (Ok, all the time) and I find myself attempting to defiantly skip the grooves of a record without falling. The problem is, the record is huge. The near indefinite choices and tracks are staggering, and oftentimes I find myself jumping backwards rather than forwards. Jumping blindly is not always my cup of tea, and I feel that a flashlight would be of utmost use. It seemed, in the past, that I could grope about a bit and find a good relative jump to make. As of late my groping has led me nowhere and I cannot shake the feeling of malcontent that every jump brings me.

First but not foremost in my mind is my job. I like the fact of impending job security, but I do not want to be there in a year. I enjoy the physical exercise and the rather chaotic atmosphere the environment sometimes provides. I enjoy some of my workmates and the large random sample of experiences, stories, and anecdotes I hear.

I do not necessarily enjoy the pigeonholing. I do not enjoy the lack of advancement. I do not enjoy the lack of any skill to be learned. I do not enjoy the ever increasing malcontent I experience whenever I think of this as a mid to long term job.

Foremost is her. Such an incredible predicament I leave myself with her. Her situation, her tastes, her views, everything are enigma to me. The legion of information that I attempt to glean from both experience and conversation with her do nothing to assuage the torrid waters that my mental craft must attempt to sail. I see a light in the distance. I know that all my desires and feelings yearn for the light; the security of the spirit is of paramount importance to me. However, contentedness is not something I feel I will have grace my mind anytime soon, and this is no exception.

For a rather ironic metaphor, it is an issue of apparent incompatibility. If I were Windows, she would be Linux. Now I know that there are many easy ways to have the systems work together, and that is why earlier I stated apparent incompatibility. The hardware and basic functions are able to interact, but the language used is different enough that true integration is, at this point, looking grim. I am not proficient in programming by any means and to ask me to find the harmonious integration would cause me to stare blankly at the screen and subsequently hang my head. With online tutorials and the help of others I would be able to learn enough of both systems to properly establish a linkup and flawless integration.

There are no tutorials or system administrators in the complex web of relationships. There are those with more experience in certain fields, but nobody knows what to do in every situation, and in my particular situation, I am flying blind.

At least it is not a conflict of Mac vs Windows. I would be arrested.

Third is my growing distaste for Ohio. It stagnates, and its fetid tendrils are beginning to wrap around my cloistered defenses against it. More and more as the record turns I find myself increasingly wondering if breaking free of the tendrils will be possible. I am attempting to sever many of the bonds that hinder me, but some are of better temperament than others and to break free of their bonds proves difficult, as they conflict with some of my core values (yes, they do exist).

Ahh, but for now I focus on my insomnia. I will absorb some nicotine and perhaps that will lull me away. Writing this has helped soothe my tumultuous mind, and I think I may be able to sleep.

Musings of a lazy Saturday

So today as my body relaxes, my mind does not follow suit. Within is a plethora of feelings and emotions that point toward the same general conclusion that I have a rather large attraction to her. How I am going to handle the situation I am not yet sure, but I must make my decision soon.

"Good things come to those who wait but not to those who wait too late."~Bill Withers

That quote is very true. The game of life rewards timely folding and playing of the hands we are dealt. My time to play is nigh, but can I nail the time to claim the pot?

Bam!

So, I think it would be cool ( watch the credits of Boondock Saints and watch the last guy who talks about going to town) to have a silencer with speakers attached that goes "Bam!" in whatever dialect you choose

Valentine's Day Poem

My attempt to explain myself
With poetry as my tool
Leave me always doubting myself
and feeling like a fool

So please bear with me as I try
To offer myself upon the page
To keep quiet and not to tell
would slowly eat me away

Nothing is dull or boring
whenever you're in reach
The conversations we have
are always really neat

I've recently lost some security
and felt I've lost the road
You've stayed close by me
And ensured I didn't fold

You've got a quirky sense
Weirdness is your art
But that's what is endearing
about you in my heart

And of course when in bed
You're a comfy place for me to lay
That innuendo was pretty bad
I could not resist the word play

The little things you do and say
that others may dismiss
Are the things that define you
and truly describe you best

Things may end up greater
Equal or perhaps less than
That is why I ask of you
The one simple question

You've made quite an impact
on my life and on my mind
Today will you do me the honor
of being my Valentine?

Poems of Valentines Day inspired by opening verse of "Moment of tranquility" by Apoptygma Bezerk

The first verse is the refrain from the song. the rest is my writing.

Your eyes are staring at me
Empty as the sky
In this moment of tranquility
I realize this is goodbye

The feelings that dwell within me
I cannot put into prose
Of everything in the world
I cannot express my love

What goes around comes around
And I know I am a guy
I've come to terms with my delusion
Let me live my lie.

The chains of a broken heart
Cling to the flesh of recovery
The links mar the potential part
that would let you love me

Why must I wallow in a lie
Why do I doom my heart to die?
This sadistic narcissistic self destruction?

Why must I only think of myself
when others need the help?
I cannot win the battle
Someone help me

The love I had once is now gone
I roam the Earth truly alone
The burden I chose to carry breaks me

Your face is in my mind
Your eyes penetrating me
Your whispers linger in my dreams to haunt me

Leave me now please go
I cannot bear your gazes so
they prove my fantasy will die

I want you can't you see
You've stolen a part of me
But the wishes you desire do not include it.

Tell me I am wrong
Tell my why I don't belong
Let me clarify my demons
And I will hang them

Why must I feel this pain?
Never to be loved again
This curse is mine
My personal cross to bear

Long I've yearned to fly free
Long I've wanted you beside me
But dreams are the stuff of fools
A truth but still quite cruel

A chance is all I ask
Ability for the task
I want to tell you that I care.

Talon

The Talon on my face is to scratch my ass when I lick my balls.

Concrete wall spunk bell ringer

The best concrete walls are the ones with a groove running up the length. That way if you hump it, the spunk shoots up the chute. If it rings the bell, you win a prize.